My Ugly Thoughts

Most of you know this feeling– the doubt, the depression, the helplessness, the feeling that maybe dying is easier.

Right now I am going through that feeling. To be frank, I feel like shit. I ate a whole loaf of homemade cinnamon bread, not to mention a bunch of other things. Then I swallowed almost 40 diet pills– which I know is bad for me, but at this point I don’t really care about the consequences.. It sucks.

Looking in the mirror right now I see this chubby, baby-faced ugly girl. It is fucking terrible. Honestly, I wonder whether this is the way I really look. How can I ever talk to a guy with any confidence when I worry that this is what he sees??

Here is another thing that happens when I binge: I try to make myself feel better by creating a  “diet plan”. I plan out what calories I’m going to eat and when… but the fact is, I can never go more than 3 days without binging .I haven’t gone more than 3 days in… er… at least a year. It sucks! I’ve tried everything– restricting, not restricting, eating every hour, eating high protein, eating normally… argh, it is so darn frustrating! What works? I mean, I’ve gained 85 pounds these past two years (I was anorexic when I was in middle school and weighed only 99 pounds) and I worry this pattern will just continue. The questions just keep swirling: am I fat, am I ugly, am I just going to get fatter?

Here I am right now and also earlier today, after a Caribou Coffee binge on oatmeal, pb & j bagels (next door at Brueggers), and muffins. Notice the distraught expression and the circles under my eyes. Ug, I hate my chubby face.

 

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